March 2017 - Dr. Dawn, The Suicide Prevention Pharmacist

Yuck

*Note: This was written at an earlier date

Yesterday was a bad day. Both my husband and I were up in the middle of the previous night with stomach issues, and we were both nauseous and achy and tired. I later found out that my mom had it too. Luckily, our little one seemed fine, but when we thought about it, we remembered that he had been sick just briefly a few days before, so we suspected we had all gotten it from him.

So, here we were on a weekend day – our son seemed healthy, which again, was a good thing. However, we had no daycare to take him to, and our main babysitter was sick too. In addition, it would have been wrong to ask someone else for help since I was pretty sure whatever we had was contagious. We faced a whole day of having to stick it out watching our little one when both of us felt that we didn’t have the energy or strength to do so. It was one of the hardest days of my life thus far.

I realize this scenario happens all of the time. And, I realize that for a lot of people this is nothing compared to days that they have had to face. But for me, it was so tough. I was definitely in survival mode – I was taking it one bottle and one diaper at a time. I was also trying to focus only on keeping him safe. He might not have been wonderfully entertained all day, but he was safe. At the end of the day, right before I went to sleep, I couldn’t stop thinking about how horrible of a mother I must have been during the day – I was impatient, lethargic, and not all that cheery – and that wasn’t the end of the list. I thought I did the best I could, but it was still terrible! I knew that physically I felt awful, but I didn’t realize how psychologically awful I would feel too.

I woke up this morning after about 10 hours of sleep and so far I am physically feeling much better. I am looking back on yesterday still with some of the same misgivings that I had last night. What I know, though, is that this may have been one of my first tough days as a parent, but it will not be my last. I need to give myself some grace and forgiveness for those days when I am not my best, because they happen. I also need to give myself some credit for what did happen. While essentially we just met his basic needs, we did keep our son fed, changed, and safe. He also had plenty of toys to play with during the day. I’m sure he is feeling way better about yesterday than I am. I did the best I could with what I had, and some days that is simply enough.

Shifting

This morning I am having some interesting feelings. I feel like things, although honestly pretty darn good for me overall, are going to get even better. I have a lot of hope for the future, and I am excited to make it happen. I can’t explain why I feel this way, but I am not going to analyze it…well, too much.

I do think that one of the reasons I am feeling so hopeful is because I am getting the chance to explore many topics that I am passionate about. Somehow, between work, parenting, volunteering, and other relationships, I am finding the time to work in some reading, audio, and video on topics such as integrative psychiatry, the effects of nature on health, and faith. I am also practicing good self-care by exercising and meditating, among other things.

Of course, someone may look at what I just wrote as awful. Who would be interested in integrative psychiatry? Who cares about meditation? I understand – what is interesting to me may not even be close to anyone else. The point, however, is that if you can make some time to explore your passions, you may find yourself with the ability to just “be”, and that can open up your mind. And, I find that when my mind is more open, a greater hope can emerge.

It can be hard to carve out the time to pursue your personal explorations, and if you think you can’t add one more thing to your day, is there a way to fit it into what you are already doing? Can you listen to something in your car or use earphones when you take different transportation or walk? Can you have a book with you for times when you are waiting in line or somewhere else? Can you take a few moments when you get up or before you go to bed to ease into the day or night with something that you want explore? My hope is that you can find a way to start exploring your passions and interests if you haven’t already.

Running Behind

I have been up for less than 15 minutes, and I already feel like I am “running behind”. I see before me a day of meetings, chores, and tasks, and I wonder if I will have enough time to get it all done. Bummer. I am guessing this is a feeling that is not new to almost everyone, and I have blogged about it before.

Even though my to-do list is long today, I am already strategizing about what the priorities are: obviously, I need to take care of my child. If you are a caregiver to someone, chances are that taking care of them is a priority for you too. But I am also thinking about how I can fit in some meditation, exercise, and time to read my devotional. In addition, I am wondering about how I can make the meetings, chores, and tasks more fun. Can I listen to some music I like while doing those things? Can I be surrounded by pictures of things that inspire me? Are there smells or textures that make for a more calming environment for me?

Of course, if your day is already busy, it can be hard to take the time to think of ways to take care of yourself and/or make what you have to do seem a little more pleasant. I encourage you to think about these things when you are not so busy, and then develop a plan that is ready to go when the busy days show up. This also does not have to be a rigid plan, but something that has some options for those busy days that seem to be inevitable. While my primary wish here is no overwhelming days for anyone, my secondary (and more realistic) wish is to make the best of whatever a “regular” day throws at you.

Frustration

This has been a tough week so far – work has been demanding and frustrating in many ways, I’m sick for the umpteenth time since my son was born, and my son had an accident at daycare yesterday that gave him quite the bruise near his eye. To top that off, I couldn’t get my beloved Kindle to work this morning so I could read on the stationary bicycle – ok, that isn’t so serious, but my Kindle and I have been good friends for many years.

I would assume that most of the time I would not be reacting well to this week, but I seem less bothered by it all for some reason. Why? I think it might be a couple of things – first, I started meditating again within the last week after getting out of the habit for awhile. I am also trying to throw in some more gratitude too. Work will get better and resolutions will be obtained. I will feel better soon. My son’s bruise will get better and I am so thankful it didn’t involve more of his eye. Heck, the Kindle is already working again. There is a silver lining to this week.

While dealing with mental illness can be way more serious than the issues I have described above, the ways of coping with the frustrations can be similar. Is it possible to change how you react to the situation? Can you find something to be grateful for among the issues being faced? Is there something like meditation, massage, yoga, etc. that you can use to recharge and help you deal with whatever comes your way? I’ve talked about some of these before, but there are also many that I have not discussed. I challenge you to take some time today to think about ways that can improve how you deal with the frustrations in your life, and this can benefit anyone you are taking care of as well.

So, That Just Happened…

Well, this morning I had planned to write a piece about being a suicide survivor, and I will plan to do that in the future, but I just had an interesting experience I want to share.

It’s a little after 6 a.m., and I just finished my morning workout. I grabbed my laptop from upstairs and came back downstairs to write my blog entry for today. Since yesterday I have had an idea of what I wanted to write about, and I was afraid it wasn’t going to be all that upbeat. Not that it had to be, but I do like to be positive when I can.

I had barely sat down, when all of the sudden I hear a rooster crowing and a “Rise and Shine!” – this immediately gets my attention, and I start hearing other noises. I figure out that it is coming from one of my son’s new toys that he got from my brother’s family over the weekend for Christmas. For some reason, it seems to be making sounds from the toy on its own! Needless to say, in the silence of the morning I was a little spooked. I noticed that the sound for the toy was turned on, so I did turn it off and the noises stopped. I have no idea if the sound had been turned off before we went to bed last night or not.

Now, I’m sitting here trying to think of a rational reason as to why that happened – if the toy is left on, is there some internal clock that has it make noise every so often? Did I bump the toy or make enough movement that the sound came on? There might be other explanations, but none of these seem all that likely to me right now.

I decided right away that even if there was a great explanation, I didn’t have it. To me, I think this was a sign from my dad. It seems just like him to start out with me hearing a rooster crowing and a “Rise and Shine!” from this toy. I can see him laughing at my confusion, and it is funny. I also think he sensed some of the heaviness in my heart this morning and thought I could use a laugh.

You may read this and think I am off the wall. That’s ok. You weren’t here to have the experience. It doesn’t really matter, though, because even though it was weird I am getting some comfort out of the experience. I am already looking at my day in a better mood, too, and there’s no harm in that. Thanks Dad – I will always love you no matter where you are.

Board Meeting

I volunteered and was elected to be a on a state board this year. The board is all about mental health and includes initiatives such as education, advocacy, and reducing stigma. I am really excited about starting my work on this board – so far, I have prepped for this meeting and I have even read a book about board membership that the group gave to all new board members. I am really hoping that I can contribute to this board and that we can make some noticeable progress at the state level.

Of course, if you have been reading my blog, you somewhat understand my journey to being on this board. It wouldn’t have been my top choice years ago, but now it is something I feel that I have to work on due to my family history. My top concern is that others do not have to suffer in the ways that my family (both those who were ill and the caregivers) suffered. We have to strive to do better and to take better care of each other.

Obviously this board will have to get into more specific details, but I like to dream about what the world would look like if I had my way regarding mental health. Ideally, there would be no mental illness, or any illness at all, however at this point that seems like a long range goal – but something we should work towards. Before we get to that day, I dream of a world where there is zero stigma surrounding mental illness. Mental illness would be something that is talked about and treated like any other disease or disorder and the fear surrounding it would be gone. I like to tell people that we should think of mental illness like we think about cancer – it is serious, treatment can be hard, and it can be deadly. Why can’t we show the care and compassion for mental illness that we do for cancer? That would be a huge step. In this dream world of mine everyone would understand the complexities of mental illness and understand the importance of finding cures.

Of course, now that I have dreamed about the big picture, it’s time to get to work making all of the small changes that will add up to the big ones. If you have any thoughts or ideas, both big and small, of what a board, a group, or an individual can do to improve the status of mental illness please share it with me. We can each contribute and help, but we can’t do it all on our own.

Change of Plans

*Note: This was written at an earlier date

I have been looking forward to this day for weeks. A paid holiday from work for me, and yet everyone in my family has a regular day. A free day for me to do whatever I want! I have had some plans in the back of my mind, but I didn’t make any solid commitments for the day. I was thinking I will just “go with the flow”.

Now, I suppose I am glad I went with that sentiment, because we are in the middle of an ice storm. I may not have to work today, but I am assuming that everyone else’s regular day will not be so regular. I’m thinking it will not be the free day I was hoping for. And, to be honest, I am a little bummed.

I assume this happens to everyone. You make plans, or at least you think you have an idea of how something is going to happen, and then it doesn’t or something comes up that might not be as fun or enjoyable. The weather is bad. A family situation comes up. Your loved one with mental illness has an unexpected bad day. Also, to note, I am talking about somewhat regular events here – I am not discussing major life events like a death in the family or something traumatic. Although every situation is different, it can be very disappointing to have things not go in your planned direction.

So, how do you cope? We’ve all had to do it already, but is there a “best” way to deal with the disappointment?

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to that. Everyone has different ways of dealing with a change of plans, and it can depend on the situation. My example today is pretty simple – I probably won’t have my free day – I will spend it with my family, but in turn I will be helping to keep them safe from being out in icy, dangerous weather.

So, maybe what you or I have to do is straightforward, but perhaps what can be changed is how we react to it. Easier said than done, again. Depending on what you believe, you might think there are positive reasons why this happened. Or, perhaps you can bring up some gratitude on what is going well instead. While you may not be able to change the situation, you can change or control how you react to it, and hopefully you can find positive ways to do so. The next time something in your day doesn’t go as planned, I encourage you to react to it in the most positive way that you can.

Sick Week

My last post was about a detox. Now, today, I am sitting here and I have not felt good most of the last week. A few days ago my head hurt. The day before yesterday my stomach felt weird. Yesterday and today I have a runny nose and congestion. Darn. Is it related to the detox? I’m not sure, but I doubt it. I think I am just in another round of some illness, which has been very common for me since I had my son. Of course, it is not his fault, but I have noticed that after having him I have been sicker than usual. My theory is that I have given him my immunity and lost mine, but of course that is probably pretty silly to think.

It seems that no matter what week it happens, illness strikes when there is a lot to do. This week is no different. But, like my previous blog on rest, I know it is way better to adapt and go with it instead of fight it. For me, that means resting more and not worrying as much about getting things done. Yes, there are essential things that have to happen – the baby needs care, I need to care for myself, etc., but to me illness is a way to tell your body to slow down and take it easy. So, I am doing the best I can to slow down.

How about you? Do you slow down when you are sick, or do you try to power through? If you power through, do you end up feeling worse? If you don’t already practice this, I encourage you to think about taking it easy next time you are sick. For me, I’ve found that almost everything can wait for me to feel better, and hopefully you can do this as well. It might also be a time to get help from a family member, friend, or other resource if you are not feeling well. This can be very important because it can be hard to care for anyone else if you are not cared for when you need it.

Detox

Today I am planning to start a one week “detox”. What exactly am I talking about here?

“Detox” can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. In a broad sense, I believe that a detox is like a reset or a recharge. For example, I am resetting what I eat by doing a week of fairly clean eating – no soy, no dairy, no added sugars, etc. I am also cutting out exercise this week, which I think will be fairly easy to do!

Another example is that I have heard of people going on a technology detox, where they do not use their computers, smartphones, or TVs for a certain period of time. As you can see, there are many different types of ways to “detox”. Have you done anything like this before? How did it go for you?

While starting a detox can be hard, I have found that they can be a great way to jump start a goal you are working towards. Of course, if you are doing something that involves your health, like changing up your diet or exercise, you will want to check with your doctor first. As you can imagine, there are a huge variety of “detoxes” out there, and some of them are not very good for you, so getting a professional’s approval is important.

If you have the time and are willing to do so, I challenge you to consider whether any type of detox would be a beneficial way to change something up in your life.