In my last entry, I mentioned Suicide Loss Survivor Day, which is held on the Saturday before Thanksgiving in the United States. For this month’s entry, I wanted to give you a personal glimpse of my journey as a suicide loss survivor.
As you might suspect, being a suicide loss survivor is not a club that anyone wants to be a part of, but I have considered myself a ‘member’ for over 10 years now. Before that time, I had heard of some people being touched by suicide, but it hadn’t really hit close to home. Then, in March of 2011 my cousin Craig died by suicide, and it was a total shock. His son Aaron also died by suicide in March of 2014, which was devastating as well. However, the loss that affected me the most was when my dad died by suicide on July 27, 2012 – a day that split my life into two parts: life before dad’s suicide and life after.
A short blog post cannot possibly convey the myriad of emotions that I have been though as a suicide loss survivor, and my journey is unique from anyone else. A checklist won’t also give my experience justice, but here are some of the major themes:
1.A tremendous amount of guilt for not preventing what would eventually happen with my dad…and trying to reconcile that
2.Fear, terror, and trauma for trying to relive what could have happened in my dad’s last moments – a torture that I still don’t understand why it comes up
3.So much sadness – sadness for what my dad suffered through, and now sadness at what he is missing here on Earth
4.Feeling that there is a lot of meaningless stuff in our world compared to losing a loved one so tragically – this has made it hard for me to work at my job(s) sometimes
5.Wondering how to keep moving forward in a world that feels so broken
So…it’s not pretty stuff. It’s hard. It’s challenging. But yet, I keep moving forward. Taking a worldly view, at this point things have went pretty well, but I will never get over this loss. However, I can still hope and move forward, and that is what I have chosen to do. The loss is always with me, but the hope is there too. And, that’s what a survivor does, right? We work with the loss to create the hope.