Month: August 2022

I still think about him everyday and wonder what he would be like now.  At this point he would be just weeks away from turning 65, and I have no doubt retirement was going to come soon after that.  He would have loved retirement, but it was not meant to be.

 

Not only did retirement not happen, my dad has missed a lot in my life and in my family.  While I am so thankful that Derek and him got to spend some time together, he was gone less than a year after they first met.  My dad’s funeral was the day of our 1st year dating anniversary.  Dad missed our engagement, missed our wedding.  And perhaps, the hardest thing of all is he missed having his first (and currently only) grandson.  Dexter’s middle name, Hugh, is in honor of my dad, Dan Hugh Scott.

 

And those are some of the big things in my life.  He’s missed having two granddaughters.  He’s missed birthdays.  He’s missed anniversaries.  He’s missed holidays and celebrations.  I think we all get the point here.

 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my Overnight walk in New York City was in June and the Long Term Survivors of Suicide Loss Summit was just last week.  My soul needed those things, and God provided. 

 

The grief never, ever goes away, and I think that is true no matter what happens to your loved one.  You carry it with you every single day.  But in the cracks of your broken heart, more light is able to shine through as the days go on.

 

Something that hit me hard at the Summit last weekend was when David Kessler talked about finding meaning.  He said that the meaning was not found in your loved one’s death, but in what YOU do afterwards.  That gave me a tremendous amount of comfort, because my grief at this stage has been trying to figure out why my dad had to die so I could learn some profound life lessons.  That is an incredible price to pay, and I certainly don’t remember signing up for that deal.  I personally feel better thinking that my dad’s death was an event that doesn’t have to have some deep “it happened for a reason” bullshit.  He died, and it hurt badly.  The meaning is what I do as a result of what happened.  

 

So, what have I done?  Over the last 10 years I have done a lot of volunteering and a lot of helping.  I had done some things before Dad died, but I feel like that has increased over the years.  I have served on several boards, and continue to do so.  I donate blood regularly.  I donate my time.  I donate money.  And, while a lot of the time I focus on mental health, honestly all of the issues tie back to mental health anyway.  Some of my newer endeavors have centered around adoption, and we are now in the process of becoming a licensed foster home.  I also started working at NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) a few months ago, so mental health has now become my day job too.  

 

This hasn’t necessarily been a cohesive narrative, however I felt that this was an important day to reflect, and there is SO much to reflect on. 

 

I will also note that if you are struggling in any way, please know that you are not alone.  If you or someone you know is in crisis, you can call 988 for assistance.  You can also text the word HOME to 741741 for help as well.  One of those profound lessons is that life is so precious, and there is no shame in asking for help. 

 

To finish, I will say that today is also my mom’s birthday.  So, for the last 10 years, not only do we mourn Dad but we also celebrate her birthday.  As you can imagine, this is a day of some pretty mixed emotions.  But, as the years go on, I try to celebrate more than I mourn.  Even though we have had this major loss, there is also much to celebrate.  We have our grief and we have our joy.  I miss you Dad and Happy Birthday Mom.  I love you both.