For survivors of depression, suicide loss, or any other mental health issue, it is not a one time experience that comes and goes. Even though you might not have that type of experience again, it still gets reimagined and you still reflect on what happened. Today, I want to share my current experience related to being a suicide loss survivor.
I lost my dad to suicide over 6 years ago. Time has made the pain typically less acute, but the grief does not totally go away, nor would I expect it to. I live with grief everyday, and I carry it alongside my other emotions as a human being. However, what still manages to surprise me are what I call “flashes of grief”. These seem to come out of nowhere, and it can happen anywhere and at anytime. Even with these, I don’t worry about them happening, but it still will catch me off guard. Over the past week, however, I’ve noticed something different. And, maybe it has happened before, but this just might be the first time I’ve really thought about it. And that is the frequency of these “flashes of grief” has been very high. I’ve had several times in the car this last week that I just got really sad over my dad, and I also had a very vivid dream that was upsetting to me. Then, last night I was at a concert and I was overwhelmed with grief several times there.
What does it all mean? I’m not sure, but my personal opinion is that my dad is wanting me to pay attention to something. There is something important he needs to share with me or show me, and I need to be ready for it. Well, he’s got my attention. I may not be right about what this means, but I understand that this is still a part of my grief, and I will work through it just like I have before.