Author: Dawn_2ol6

Air

As I write this entry, it has been over a week since we have had air conditioning.  At this time of the year, that may not always be a big deal, but we have had several days over 90 degrees Fahrenheit, and they were pretty darn uncomfortable.  There was a night spent in a different location.  There was a night spent in the basement.  I wasn’t so much worried about my husband and me, but I could hardly stand seeing my little one so restless and unable to sleep.  Luckily, we did get a new air conditioner installed yesterday, so now we can go back to enjoying the luxury I pretty much took for granted.

And that is the key thing for me – taking it for granted.  When you think about it, air conditioning has not been around that long, and it is something that not a lot of people even have.  Not only have I enjoyed air conditioning all of my life, but I am pretty sure I am more intolerant of extremes in temperature because of it.  Air conditioning has made me wimpy, but I still look at it as a necessity.

Experiencing life without air conditioning when it is nice to have it has definitely been a case of not knowing what you have until it’s gone.  And boy, did I miss it.  Right now, I am all about gratitude for it and understanding that it is a luxury that most people don’t have.  I’m pretty lucky.  My guess is that life will go on and I will forget about it, but I hope not.  I hope that this helps me to expand my gratitude and focus more on all of the things that I take for granted.  Air conditioning is only one of many, many things I am fortunate enough to have in my life.

Shoot

Last week, I shot a gun for the first time.  Two days after I shot for the first time I also took a ladies’ handgun class, and I shot a gun again.  For any of you who knew my dad, this may come as a complete surprise.  My dad was a big outdoorsman – loved to hunt, fish, and shoot guns.  It almost seems unlikely that I would have gone this long before having this type of experience because of him.

Up until my dad died, I just always assumed that it would be him who would be there the first time I shot a gun.  I didn’t know when that day would be, but I knew that when I decided to give it a try he would have been super excited to show me how.  Unfortunately, that day never came, and while I don’t regret it, it has probably been the biggest thing that has still haunted me about my dad’s death.  Sadly enough, a gun was involved in his passing, so that made it all the more traumatic to think about shooting one.

I won’t go into all the details of why this was so hard for me, but I listed some of the general reasons above.  Grief can be a funny thing – there are some things about a person that you can let go of really quickly, and there are some things that take a long time to deal with.  Shooting has definitely been an activity that has been scary and sad and terrifying and many other things since my dad’s passing.  It has been almost five years, and up until now I couldn’t hardly imagine dealing with it.  There are many factors that have led to me giving it a try, but the biggest one was having a child and having someone I wanted to be able to defend if need be.  Never underestimate the power of a mother and how she will do anything to protect her child.

Now that I have taken that first shot, I feel a little lighter.  I found another way to move on without my dad here in the physical world.  I also know that my dad, wherever he is, is proud of me.

Something Great

To start off, I wanted to note that I think the clarity I am looking for is beginning to head my way, but I am not going to focus on that today.  Today I want to switch gears and talk about something new that I am very excited about.  It is called The Great Courses Plus, and I am thrilled about having this in my life.  Let me explain.

The Great Courses is a company that I found out about through my subscription to National Geographic magazine.  In general, they produce college courses from reputable professors that you can buy and consume on your own schedule.  When I first heard of them, you would have to buy an entire course, and the DVDs and/or transcripts would be mailed to you.  I have ordered several courses from them, but it was when I felt I had the time to get through all of the lectures of the course.  I was also picky about the courses I chose – I would only pick courses in which I thought I would enjoy all of the lectures, not just a few of the topics.  The courses also tended to be pricy, but there were usually a lot of sales that made them more affordable.

Even though The Great Courses had some limitations, I really enjoyed their mission and supported what they were doing.  But now with The Great Courses Plus, I am inspired all over again.  The Great Courses Plus is a service where you pay a monthly or yearly fee, and you can access any course or lecture you want during that time.  Nothing gets sent to you, you just watch the lectures whenever you feel like it.  What a great idea!  I signed up for this immediately, and I am beginning to enjoy the benefits of not having to commit to only a few courses.  The topics cover so many things – travel, history, food, music, art, literature, science, cooking, math, and on and on.  I am so looking forward to using this subscription, and I encourage you to check it out as well.

Follow-Up

In my last entry, I talked to you about my “setback” – well, there have been a few days of processing as well as a few days of ignoring it, and while I am moving forward, the path with my next steps is not all that clear yet.  Of course, I have shared the details with a few close family and friends, and being the good family and friends that they are, have definitely supported me and my view of what happened.  I probably should share this with an unbiased person who does not know anyone involved, but I am not sure if I want to spend that kind of time on it.  Another interesting thing that I seem to be noticing is that the accusations against my character are not shared with others in similar roles.  While I am trying to be open to accepting my contributions to whatever real or imagined issues there are, it is starting to sound like it is more personal and not about behavior or performance.  In some ways that is a relief, but in other ways that is disappointing.

I have quickly realized that I am standing at a crossroads.  As I write this, so much has happened in the last month, and I have hardly had the time to reflect on it.  But, I sense that this is the time to really stand up and do something that matches what I value.  What is more important?  Being there for my family and friends?  Pleasing everyone I come into contact with every day?  Spending my time worrying about whether everyone likes me?   I feel very confident about those answers, but do my actions truly reflect that?  This is a big deal for me, and I am fortunate enough that I get the chance to think it through.  I don’t want to have a knee jerk reaction, but I also don’t want to miss an opportunity to be more authentic with my life.  I am hoping for some more clarity soon.

Setback

As I write this, yesterday was not a very good day for me.  I am not going to go into all of the details, but there were some serious accusations made against my character, and the way it was presented to me was very hurtful and immature.  I am trying so hard to not act like a victim here, but I find it very hard to listen to “professionals” when they aren’t really living up to their titles.  I am also saddened every time I find myself involved in or hear about a situation in which adults are acting like they are children who don’t know any better.  It just seems like a no win story for everyone.

Luckily, a day has now passed, and I am trying to do the right thing.  Although it still hurts, I am trying to figure out what I can learn from what has happened.  Maybe there is some truth to what was said, and maybe I need to own up to some of it.  But, I truly believe there is some fault at both ends.  Instead of taking it so hard, I am trying to take it as just another part of life.  I can’t make everyone happy.  Not everyone is going to like me.  Does that matter?  In some ways, I probably think it does.  But, ultimately, I truly can’t please everyone, and that is ok.  I also can’t be great at everything either.  All of this is being a human.  If we were perfect, we wouldn’t be human.

I am also trying to figure out what comes next, because sitting around analyzing it is probably not a good long term plan.  Life is way too short to stick around toxic people and situations.  So, instead of just accepting it, I am looking forward.  Even today I have taken steps to move on, and I am almost excited to see how this terrible incident will turn out to ultimately be a good thing.

High Intensity

I have been up for about an hour already this morning.  One of the first things I did was exercise, and today included a “high intensity interval training” workout.  A lot of people have heard of this, which is also known simply as “HIIT”.  Regardless of what you call it, it certainly lived up to its name – my heart was pumping, and it felt like it was high intensity to me.

As I finished the workout, I started thinking about the term “high intensity”, and I started to realize that it seems to describe my life right now.  The last few weeks have been very busy, and if you have read my last few posts, you know this is understandably so.  However, I began to think that this “high intensity” can only last so long.  “High intensity” can be great for short intervals, just like in the exercise workout, but it does not seem all that healthy for sustained periods of time.

Of course, the question becomes, how do I ease into a less intense schedule?  That is what I have challenged myself to think about today.  Of course, I think some of the activity will naturally slow down because the last few weeks have not been typical.  But, this seems like a good time to reflect on my life.  Are there activities I need to say no to?  Are there activities I need to do less of?  What are my priorities and what can be left out if there isn’t enough time?  When and where does down time fit in?  What makes sense for my family?  I am sure I could ask even more questions, but I think this is a good start.

One thing I do know, however, is that I believe everyone needs time for rest.  There has to be time to just “be” and not have to worry about getting something done.  I know my days are better when I find this time, and I hope you can find some too.

Compassion

I have spent several posts talking about different topics related to grief, and I am going to spend at least one more entry on it.

One of the things that I really struggle with when someone important to you dies is how quickly it seems like the rest of the world just moves on.  Here you are, trying to make sense of the death, trying to make sense of the world, trying to make sense of anything, and it seems like everyone around you is living like nothing ever happened.  It makes me worry that others are not taking the time to grieve and mourn like I am.  It can be a very sad way of thinking.

What I have to remember, though, is that everyone grieves differently.  And, everyone grieves for different people or relationships.  After all, how many people do I know that have lost someone, and they probably couldn’t understand why people like me continue to move on with life like nothing ever happened?  That perception can go both ways.

I think the key here is compassion, and what I am talking about is only one small part of compassion.  It includes accepting where you are in your grief process and also understanding that others might be in a different place in their grief.  Looking at the bigger picture, everyone you interact with probably grieves certain things or people, so in some ways, we are really all in the same boat.  I am using this situation as a reminder to be compassionate to everyone, because I do not know what grief they carry with them.  I have to get better at remembering that the feelings I have may be my own, but in general they are feelings that other people have too.  And, that alone can also help in processing grief.

Comfort

In my last entry, I shared some of my thoughts on grief.  In this entry, I want to touch on a tangent of that, which I am calling comfort.  To me, comfort includes things and experiences that make me feel better and/or let me express any emotions I am currently having.  At this point, I am not judging my list of comforts, but here are some that I use: watching comedy or anything funny, listening to music, walking, exercising, sleeping, or eating.  For the most part, this list seems ok to me, but I am trying to work on the comfort eating part, since I feel that emotional eating is probably not healthy for me.

There are probably many more things I could list that bring me comfort, as well as others that help to comfort others.  These can include spending time with others, going to church, getting out in nature, dancing, painting, creating, and the list goes on.  As you can imagine, comfort comes in many forms, but my hope is that everyone finds comfort in activities that are healthy for them.  While it seems obvious as I write it, people can turn to harmful things for comfort, and that can lead to even more issues.

Regardless of what healthy types of comfort you choose, I hope you also make the time for them.  Sometimes it can be a challenge to take the time for yourself and allow yourself any comfort.  Some people also use “busy ness” as a way to avoid taking any time to feel the emotions that they have.  I truly think it is important to find your comforts and use them when needed.  Even the stresses of everyday life make is necessary to find comfort on a regular basis.  What do you do to help bring comfort into your life?

Grief

After my previous entry, it probably is no surprise that I would write about grief.  Grief can be so complex and bring with it so many emotions and thoughts.  There is no way I could sum up grief in one blog entry, especially since it can mean something different to everyone.  However, I will give you my brief thoughts on grief.

To me, grief is always with me.  It may take on different meanings and forms, but I am always grieving.  This may sound very sad, but I also feel that I am always feeling some type of happiness too.  They go together – happiness and grief.  It seems weird, but I truly think you carry them both with you at all times.  Of course, this implies that I do not agree with the idea that grief happens in these nice pretty stages – like it is some kind of linear process that results in the end result of “closure”.  “Closure” is a dangerous concept in my book.  While I think that you may experience each of these stages, I think the how and when is different for everybody.  Grief is not the same process for everyone.

Then, in terms of working with grief, I think the most important thing is to meet people where they are in their grief process.  Platitudes are not helpful here.  Neither is trying to make someone find closure or speed up the grieving process towards some unattainable conclusion.  Most of the time just being there is all that is required, and you might be amazed at how much comfort can come from that simple act.

How about you?  How would you define grief?  My hope is that you question what role grief plays in your life, if at all.  Maybe you don’t grieve for anything, and that is your choice.  However, maybe you realize that grief can last forever, but still find a way to live with it.

Loss

At this point in my blog, I tend to write entries a few weeks ahead of when they are posted.  This morning’s entry will probably not show up online for awhile, but it will be short.  As of the date I wrote this, my mother in law passed away unexpectedly yesterday.  Right now, there are really no words to describe what is going on in my family.  And so, another grieving process begins.