Category: General

I have spent several posts talking about different topics related to grief, and I am going to spend at least one more entry on it.

One of the things that I really struggle with when someone important to you dies is how quickly it seems like the rest of the world just moves on.  Here you are, trying to make sense of the death, trying to make sense of the world, trying to make sense of anything, and it seems like everyone around you is living like nothing ever happened.  It makes me worry that others are not taking the time to grieve and mourn like I am.  It can be a very sad way of thinking.

What I have to remember, though, is that everyone grieves differently.  And, everyone grieves for different people or relationships.  After all, how many people do I know that have lost someone, and they probably couldn’t understand why people like me continue to move on with life like nothing ever happened?  That perception can go both ways.

I think the key here is compassion, and what I am talking about is only one small part of compassion.  It includes accepting where you are in your grief process and also understanding that others might be in a different place in their grief.  Looking at the bigger picture, everyone you interact with probably grieves certain things or people, so in some ways, we are really all in the same boat.  I am using this situation as a reminder to be compassionate to everyone, because I do not know what grief they carry with them.  I have to get better at remembering that the feelings I have may be my own, but in general they are feelings that other people have too.  And, that alone can also help in processing grief.

In my last entry, I shared some of my thoughts on grief.  In this entry, I want to touch on a tangent of that, which I am calling comfort.  To me, comfort includes things and experiences that make me feel better and/or let me express any emotions I am currently having.  At this point, I am not judging my list of comforts, but here are some that I use: watching comedy or anything funny, listening to music, walking, exercising, sleeping, or eating.  For the most part, this list seems ok to me, but I am trying to work on the comfort eating part, since I feel that emotional eating is probably not healthy for me.

There are probably many more things I could list that bring me comfort, as well as others that help to comfort others.  These can include spending time with others, going to church, getting out in nature, dancing, painting, creating, and the list goes on.  As you can imagine, comfort comes in many forms, but my hope is that everyone finds comfort in activities that are healthy for them.  While it seems obvious as I write it, people can turn to harmful things for comfort, and that can lead to even more issues.

Regardless of what healthy types of comfort you choose, I hope you also make the time for them.  Sometimes it can be a challenge to take the time for yourself and allow yourself any comfort.  Some people also use “busy ness” as a way to avoid taking any time to feel the emotions that they have.  I truly think it is important to find your comforts and use them when needed.  Even the stresses of everyday life make is necessary to find comfort on a regular basis.  What do you do to help bring comfort into your life?

At this point in my blog, I tend to write entries a few weeks ahead of when they are posted.  This morning’s entry will probably not show up online for awhile, but it will be short.  As of the date I wrote this, my mother in law passed away unexpectedly yesterday.  Right now, there are really no words to describe what is going on in my family.  And so, another grieving process begins.

This week has been very different from what I expected.  Instead of a “typical” week for my family, my husband has been away for other family issues, which I hope do improve.  However, this has left me as a single parent for the week, and I have to say that it has been interesting.

By the very nature of what unfolded I was not prepared for this week, meaning that I did not plan on being the only parent around.  I can parent on my own, but I usually prefer to know about it ahead of time and plan accordingly.  And, there are so many other caveats here – there is only one child, it hasn’t been that many days so far, my child is healthy, and for the most part everything else is going alright.  I also have my mom available to help, which has been instrumental in helping me keep my previous commitments.  I honestly probably have about the most perfect set up for being a single parent.

That being said, I am still dragging!  Having to do almost everything is a lot of work, and again, I don’t feel like I really have that much to do.  So, the whole point I want to make here is much respect for the single parents out there.  I know how you have to do what needs to be done, but wow, it’s a lot.  I don’t know how I would do It long term on my own.  Of course, I would if I had to, but having another parent is looking pretty luxurious right now.  And to think there was a time before I met my husband that I thought I could start a family on my own.  Again, possible I know, but I am so glad I have someone to share it with.  Regardless, I have a newfound respect for single parents and all that they accomplish.

Last weekend I was visiting my old college town.  I am not going to get into the reason why, but it is always an interesting feeling when I go back.  I miss it, yet I am also glad that I still don’t live there, because I know my time there was for college.  I don’t think I could live there again – for some reason it would just feel weird, like I had never grown up and started my post-college life.   Of course, you can “never say never”, but it seems that if I have any say I would not live there again.  But I do like visiting for several reasons, one of which is the inspiration I get from it.

It may seem funny that I would be inspired by a place that I would not plan to live in again, but I actually think that is the reason why I am inspired by it.  If I lived there all of the time, I would not be as inspired, it would just become a part of daily life.  So, it is the being away and visiting that inspires me.  I imagine it probably feels this way in most college towns, but what inspires me about my old college town is how there always seems to be so many new ideas floating around.  It is a place where things are being discovered and researched.  It is a place where innovation is actually being acted upon.  This really is not surprising – I’m sure I just generalized every college town.  But, since this was my town for a period in my life, I remember that feeling of starting a new year or semester.  The promise of learning new insights and advancing my knowledge.  I loved the sense of possibility and potential, and that is what still inspires me today.  Of course, I get inspiration from other people, places, and things, but this is something that has stood out because of my recent visit.

How about you?  What places inspire you?  What people or things?  Inspiration can be a wonderful thing in helping to see the potential and possibility in your life.

Do you keep up on current events?  Do you watch “the news”?  I have to say a lot of times I am oblivious to what may be going on in the world, but I feel like I have some good reasons for it.

Sadly, it seems like the news is mostly negative.  It is all about what is not going well and what is wrong.  It includes tragedy and violence and controversy.  And, while I realize there might be a time and place for hearing about these events, I don’t think it should take up a lot of the news.  A lot of this can be upsetting and can make people feel helpless.  Can’t the news inform and empower people?  That probably does happen, but I don’t see it very much.  Until I start noticing a change in the tone of most of the news I will probably keep avoiding it.

Next, I don’t necessarily have a lot of extra time to watch and/or consume the news.  I am living my life – working, parenting, volunteering, and enjoying time with friends and family.  Most of the time I don’t feel like there is room for the news in my life.

Now, I admit there are some reasons why keeping up on current events can be a good thing.  However, for me, the cons outweigh the pros most of the time here.  I know I risk not being informed about a major event, but if it is important enough I will likely hear it from someone I interact with anyway.

How about you?  What are your thoughts on the news?  Do you find it empowering or upsetting or something in between?  Do you feel it is worth your time, or do you want to change how you interact with the news?  I hope you take some time to think about what role the news plays in your life, and if it is a role you want to change.

This last weekend was very busy for me – it included some events as well as visiting some friends and family.  I am a little tired from it, but it wasn’t that bad, and I think I know why.  It was a weekend where I actually just “rolled with it” and didn’t spend time thinking about what else needed to be done.  Instead of thinking about where I thought we should be and when that should happen, I just let it go.  I just lived.  Instead of doing I was being.  What a great way to lose some of the tension and expectation.  What a great way to enjoy a weekend!

What made this weekend less stressful for me?  I think a couple of things helped.  First, a regular meditation practice continues to help me focus on the present instead of thinking about all of the things that need to be done.  This is definitely still a work in progress, but I notice little improvements here and there, this past weekend being one of them.  Focusing on the present helps you to worry less about the future.  It also can help you to spend less time dwelling on the past.  The second thing that I think helped was getting some exercise early on in the weekend.  My family walked a 5K last Saturday morning, and I think that was a great start to our weekend.  We got some exercise, we got some fresh air, and we got to spend time together as a family.  Lastly, I think spending some time outside was helpful as well.  Nature has some wonderful ways of settling your emotions and giving you things to focus on in the present.

After looking back on this weekend I am thinking we might be on to something – a family walk on Saturday mornings, if possible.  And, based on the goals I have, that may turn into a family jog.  Regardless, I am excited that I may have stumbled upon something that is beneficial to both my family and me.

This week it seems my brain has been on overdrive.  As a result, I have been trying to do multiple things all at once so I can “get things done”.  Does that sound familiar to anyone else?  Most of time I just do it and move on, but this week it seems to be different.  How?

All of this multitasking seems to have come with a major price tag on my sleep and health.  I just feel tired all of the time, and I have been sleeping in all week.  That means that I have been skipping my morning workout and downtime too.  I rationalize that I will multitask and work out and get some other things done during the day too, but that has not been happening.  Clearly, multitasking is not working for me this week, and in reality I need a better plan for dealing with my brain being on overdrive, no matter when that is.

If you read anything about multitasking, you know it is actually not a great thing.  Research has shown that your brain can only do so much, so if you try to focus on several things at once, each thing will not get your full attention.  I think a lot of us pride ourselves on our ability to multitask, but it really doesn’t do us much good.  The key seems to be the ability to focus on one thing until a certain stopping point or completion, and then move on to the next thing.  Easier said than done, of course, but this is where meditation can be helpful.  If you take the time and focus to meditate, that can help you focus on one thing in other parts of your day.  That is not the only answer to multitasking, but it is something I am working on to help me focus on one thing at a time.

How about you?  Do you feel like you are always multitasking?  How does it make you feel?  Would you rather not multitask?  If so, how can you begin to change your multitasking ways?

Over the last few days it seems that I have had to try very hard to stay focused and on task.  It seems like there is temptation everywhere – the temptation to eat less healthy food, the temptation to not return emails, the temptation to sleep in and not exercise – it feels like almost everything is a conscious chore to make sure I am doing what I think is the right thing to do.  Will the world end if I eat poorly, ignore emails, and skip exercise?  Of course not, but these are important items to me that also potentially have long term gains and consequences.  While I may not feel like doing many of them lately, I know that deep down these are things I want to do.

I guess I could give myself credit for pretty much doing these things this week despite feeling the temptation not to do so.  Some days, that is more than enough.  But how do I ultimately overcome some of these temptations with automatically doing the right thing and not having to wrestle with the temptation itself?  Is that even possible?  Is temptation just a part of life?  I tend to think so, but unfortunately I do not have the answer to this one.

However, there are things I know I can do to make the temptations less of a presence in my day.  I can go to bed early enough that getting up early to exercise isn’t a big deal.  I can wear some or all of my workout clothes to bed so I can just get up and go.  I can keep unhealthy food out of our house.  Sure, all these things are easier said than done, but the nice part is I can plan for some temptations, because for me I know they will come my way.  How about you?  Can you anticipate some temptations that come your way?  Can you think of ways to help avoid them (assuming you want to avoid them)?  Temptations will probably be around most of the time, but there are ways to make it easier.

Like most mornings that I wake up before everyone else in the house, I have a few minutes to look around and think about what the house looks like.  Honestly, I don’t spend too much time on it, but depending on who you ask, it certainly wouldn’t come close to a ”Better Homes and Gardens” or a “Martha Stewart Living” photo spread.  There are toys scattered everywhere, little crumbs on the floor wherever my son has had food, and there seems to be never-ending piles of stuff in many places.  And, to be realistic, the little messes my son makes are probably nothing compared to what he will come up with as a toddler.  Yes, I look at this almost every day, but I don’t get frustrated, and honestly that amazes me sometimes.  Why doesn’t this create some anxiety for me?

10 years ago my now daily scene would have bothered me – that was back when I lived on my own and could control everything – when and what I cleaned, plus I only had to clean up after myself.  Enter a husband and a child and that changes everything.  It’s not that I don’t completely care anymore, but there are things that are way more important to me now than keeping a spotless home.  We take care of the basics – clothes and dishes are clean, the house does get cleaned and organized on a regular basis, and we keep things sanitary.  You are just not going to see a lot of sparkle and shine at our place.

So what is more important to me?  Simple.  Living and being.  Spending time with my husband and son.  Being with them instead of obsessing over having a spotless, perfect home.  Who can live in a perfect home anyway?  When I look around our home in the morning, I either move on or smile, because it tells me that I live in a house with a lot of love and lot of laughter.  Where life is lived and not just made to look good.  It’s not a mess to me, but rather a beautiful testament to a family actually living and enjoying life.