Category: Mental

Tennis

In my last entry I talked about visiting New York City.  The big reason we visited at this time of the year was so that we could go to a session of the U.S. Open professional tennis championships.  I don’t think my husband was too excited about it, but after seeing it in person he was really enjoying it.  This was also my first time watching tennis live, and I loved it, but I had already suspected that I would.

Why the U.S. Open?  I’ve actually been a fan of tennis for quite awhile.  I started watching the French Open, Wimbledon, and the U.S. Open during the summers where I was old enough to stay home on my own but not old enough to work.  My brother and I would watch the matches, which helped us to learn the sport.  We even tried to play tennis sometimes, but most of the time was spent chasing after the tennis ball.  Even today, I am thinking about taking some lessons if I can find a way to fit it into my schedule.

Why tennis at all?  I’m not sure I have a great answer for that.  It has just been something that I casually enjoy, which is great, because I don’t feel all that obligated to keep up with it if I don’t want to.  It is great to have an interest that I can dabble in and out of when the mood hits me.  Tennis of course can also be great for your physical and social health, so when I do engage in playing I can get benefits as well.

How about you?  Do you have a hobby that is around when you feel like dropping in and out of it?  It’s certainly not a requirement in life, but it can add to your enjoyment of it, and I encourage you to look into it if you are interested.

Self-Defense

Recently I had the chance to take a class related to armed self-defense.  In other words, the class was about fighting someone when you are also carrying a weapon.  I am by no means an expert in this area, and in fact I am pretty much a sponge when it comes to this information.  Shooting a gun, carrying a weapon, self-defense – these are things I have heard of but have not really made an effort to actually study.  I mean, it looks fairly straightforward on TV and the movies.  In my mind, my strategy has always been to “just kick my attacker in the crotch”, because that seemed like an effective idea.  Clearly you can see how naïve I have been about the whole self-defense thing.

While the class gave me many “a-ha!” moments, what my overall takeaway was is that there is a lot to learn about shooting guns, carrying any type of weapon, and self-defense.  There are many different strategies and considerations that come into play when defending yourself, and safety is important as well.  After all, you don’t want to end up being hurt by your own weapon if you can avoid it.

So, while I wouldn’t call it a new hobby, I have started diving deeper into self-defense.  Why?  Part of it is I want to exercise my right to bear arms.  Most of it, however, it to protect myself and/or my family if need be.  Hopefully that day will never come, but at this point in my life I think I would feel awful if something happened that I could have prevented by being more prepared to defend myself and my family.

How about you?  Have you ever wanted to learn more about self-defense?  I don’t want to scare people, because it isn’t necessarily the nicest thing to think about, but it can help to alleviate fear by being prepared.

The Wave

Some of the days I experience can be so hard to explain.  Yesterday was definitely one of those days.  By all accounts, it was a great day – another beautiful summer day that I got to spend with people that I love.  But, the whole day I was plagued with waves of sadness and thoughts that I am not good enough.  I am not a good enough wife, a good enough daughter, a good enough mother, a good enough sister, and on and on.  I also felt like my current life didn’t have a lot of meaning to it – that I was just going through the motions of a day.  I was scared that I will feel dead inside if I continue along like this.  I know, some pretty heavy thoughts for a beautiful summer day.

Right now, it is early morning.  Will I feel the same today?  I’m not sure.  But, I have had days like this before, and luckily for me it always seems to last for a few days at most.  From what I understand, having days like this and thoughts like this is pretty common and pretty normal.  However, it is when these types of days go on for several weeks that it starts becoming a problem that needs professional help.  As I’ve said before, life is a mix of joy and grief.  We have our good days.  We have our bad days.  We have a lot of days in between.  But we carry it all around together.  I don’t thoroughly enjoy my sad days, but they do happen, and I understand that more than likely it will pass.  If they don’t, however, I need to start thinking about getting help.

How about you?  Do you have sad days?  What typically happens in your experience?  If the sad days continue to last, do you have a plan for getting help?  I encourage you to think about how you plan to deal with these scenarios if they should happen to you.

You Are What You Project

There are many things in life that I simply cannot retain – things that always seem to hit me as a new concept, but when I think about it I know that I have heard it before.  One of those concepts hit me again today.  That concept is that people are what they project.  Let me explain with an example.

Have you ever had a boss that is very critical of you and what you do?  When you really stop to think about it, what is driving their behavior?  Is it really you, or is it something about them and their history that drives them to behave in this way?  The theory is that it really isn’t about you – it is about them.  The reason they are being overly critical of you is because they are insecure about themselves.  Taking this further with another example – a boss that doesn’t seem to trust you.  Is it really about trusting you or is it because they can’t trust themselves?  When you start thinking about situations in this way, it can definitely make you feel better about how people treat you.

However, there is another side to it.  How do you treat other people?  Are you critical or negative?  Are you friendly or optimistic?  When you look deeper at your behavior towards others, what is your behavior saying about you?  This is the part that can be harder to deal with.

I truly believe that you are what you project.  But for some reason this gets me every time I think about it.  Not a new concept, but it seems like a fresh thought every time it comes around.  Maybe this is not news to you and/or maybe it will stick with you better than it does with me.  However, next time you are questioning your behavior or the behavior of someone else, hopefully you will remember to think about this idea.

Aromatherapy

Have you heard the term “aromatherapy”?  If you haven’t, basically it is like the word would suggest – it is therapy based on smells.  Typically the idea is that they are smells that are relatively pleasant, and they can help to soothe, calm, stimulate, etc.  Lavender, vanilla, and citrus scents are some examples.  A lot of times aromatherapy gets placed together with essential oils, since these can be used for aromatherapy.  To me, essential oils is a somewhat different world.  Depending on what is being done, people will ingest, vaporize/nebulize, or topically apply essential oils.  There may be some overlap with aromatherapy, and it may all be in how you define it, but for me aromatherapy is all about the smelling.

Aromatherapy can be more than using essential oils – there are candles and potpourri, plus there are smells around you that can be soothing.  For me, I love the smell of the ground after it has just started raining.  I also love the smell of Worcestershire sauce.  For many, certain foods have a smell that comforts and/or excites people.  How about you?  What smells do you already notice in your world that elicit a response from you?

I think aromatherapy is an interesting way to help people, especially in regards to emotions or mood.  What a wonderful thought that by smelling something you can feel better or less tense.  To me, that sounds better than taking a pill, if you can avoid it (of course, sometimes medications are necessary).  As far as I know, there are relatively few side effects from aromatherapy, so I encourage you to think about how it might improve your life.  What smells do you like?  Are there some that are soothing to you?  Some that inspire you?  Some that motivate you?  Have fun thinking about how smells can enhance or compliment your day.

Anticipation

In the last week or so, I’ve had a few events where I was anticipating that I would not enjoy them.  I wouldn’t say I was absolutely dreading them, but I figured they were going to cause me some discomfort.  Of course, once they were over and I looked back on them they weren’t nearly as bad as I had thought in my head.  These events have led me to think about anticipation in general.

Anticipation can work in several ways.  You can anticipate things you are not excited about, things you are excited about, and anything in between.  Not too long ago, I started realizing that big exciting events usually aren’t as awesome in reality as they are in my mind.  Sometimes that has been disappointing, but I feel like I have learned to understand that perception.  However, when it comes to events I am not excited about, I feel like I still dread those more than I know I should.  For the most part, I know it won’t be as bad as I think it will be, but yet I still dwell on it.  Why have I been able to be more realistic with the exciting parts but not so with the less exciting ones?

I’m not sure I have an answer for that one.  Maybe it’s a work in progress.  I imagine every individual perceives these things in different ways.  But, here’s a prime example – driving when there is a winter storm.  Every time I know I have to go out in a storm the anticipation of it is awful for me.  Usually, it is not as bad as I think it will be, but it always seems to be there.  Perhaps there is some protective or awareness instincts going on and it is supposed to be helpful.  Regardless of what it all means, it is important for me to look at the role anticipation plays into my emotions and life.

Shoot

Last week, I shot a gun for the first time.  Two days after I shot for the first time I also took a ladies’ handgun class, and I shot a gun again.  For any of you who knew my dad, this may come as a complete surprise.  My dad was a big outdoorsman – loved to hunt, fish, and shoot guns.  It almost seems unlikely that I would have gone this long before having this type of experience because of him.

Up until my dad died, I just always assumed that it would be him who would be there the first time I shot a gun.  I didn’t know when that day would be, but I knew that when I decided to give it a try he would have been super excited to show me how.  Unfortunately, that day never came, and while I don’t regret it, it has probably been the biggest thing that has still haunted me about my dad’s death.  Sadly enough, a gun was involved in his passing, so that made it all the more traumatic to think about shooting one.

I won’t go into all the details of why this was so hard for me, but I listed some of the general reasons above.  Grief can be a funny thing – there are some things about a person that you can let go of really quickly, and there are some things that take a long time to deal with.  Shooting has definitely been an activity that has been scary and sad and terrifying and many other things since my dad’s passing.  It has been almost five years, and up until now I couldn’t hardly imagine dealing with it.  There are many factors that have led to me giving it a try, but the biggest one was having a child and having someone I wanted to be able to defend if need be.  Never underestimate the power of a mother and how she will do anything to protect her child.

Now that I have taken that first shot, I feel a little lighter.  I found another way to move on without my dad here in the physical world.  I also know that my dad, wherever he is, is proud of me.

Follow-Up

In my last entry, I talked to you about my “setback” – well, there have been a few days of processing as well as a few days of ignoring it, and while I am moving forward, the path with my next steps is not all that clear yet.  Of course, I have shared the details with a few close family and friends, and being the good family and friends that they are, have definitely supported me and my view of what happened.  I probably should share this with an unbiased person who does not know anyone involved, but I am not sure if I want to spend that kind of time on it.  Another interesting thing that I seem to be noticing is that the accusations against my character are not shared with others in similar roles.  While I am trying to be open to accepting my contributions to whatever real or imagined issues there are, it is starting to sound like it is more personal and not about behavior or performance.  In some ways that is a relief, but in other ways that is disappointing.

I have quickly realized that I am standing at a crossroads.  As I write this, so much has happened in the last month, and I have hardly had the time to reflect on it.  But, I sense that this is the time to really stand up and do something that matches what I value.  What is more important?  Being there for my family and friends?  Pleasing everyone I come into contact with every day?  Spending my time worrying about whether everyone likes me?   I feel very confident about those answers, but do my actions truly reflect that?  This is a big deal for me, and I am fortunate enough that I get the chance to think it through.  I don’t want to have a knee jerk reaction, but I also don’t want to miss an opportunity to be more authentic with my life.  I am hoping for some more clarity soon.

Setback

As I write this, yesterday was not a very good day for me.  I am not going to go into all of the details, but there were some serious accusations made against my character, and the way it was presented to me was very hurtful and immature.  I am trying so hard to not act like a victim here, but I find it very hard to listen to “professionals” when they aren’t really living up to their titles.  I am also saddened every time I find myself involved in or hear about a situation in which adults are acting like they are children who don’t know any better.  It just seems like a no win story for everyone.

Luckily, a day has now passed, and I am trying to do the right thing.  Although it still hurts, I am trying to figure out what I can learn from what has happened.  Maybe there is some truth to what was said, and maybe I need to own up to some of it.  But, I truly believe there is some fault at both ends.  Instead of taking it so hard, I am trying to take it as just another part of life.  I can’t make everyone happy.  Not everyone is going to like me.  Does that matter?  In some ways, I probably think it does.  But, ultimately, I truly can’t please everyone, and that is ok.  I also can’t be great at everything either.  All of this is being a human.  If we were perfect, we wouldn’t be human.

I am also trying to figure out what comes next, because sitting around analyzing it is probably not a good long term plan.  Life is way too short to stick around toxic people and situations.  So, instead of just accepting it, I am looking forward.  Even today I have taken steps to move on, and I am almost excited to see how this terrible incident will turn out to ultimately be a good thing.

Grief

After my previous entry, it probably is no surprise that I would write about grief.  Grief can be so complex and bring with it so many emotions and thoughts.  There is no way I could sum up grief in one blog entry, especially since it can mean something different to everyone.  However, I will give you my brief thoughts on grief.

To me, grief is always with me.  It may take on different meanings and forms, but I am always grieving.  This may sound very sad, but I also feel that I am always feeling some type of happiness too.  They go together – happiness and grief.  It seems weird, but I truly think you carry them both with you at all times.  Of course, this implies that I do not agree with the idea that grief happens in these nice pretty stages – like it is some kind of linear process that results in the end result of “closure”.  “Closure” is a dangerous concept in my book.  While I think that you may experience each of these stages, I think the how and when is different for everybody.  Grief is not the same process for everyone.

Then, in terms of working with grief, I think the most important thing is to meet people where they are in their grief process.  Platitudes are not helpful here.  Neither is trying to make someone find closure or speed up the grieving process towards some unattainable conclusion.  Most of the time just being there is all that is required, and you might be amazed at how much comfort can come from that simple act.

How about you?  How would you define grief?  My hope is that you question what role grief plays in your life, if at all.  Maybe you don’t grieve for anything, and that is your choice.  However, maybe you realize that grief can last forever, but still find a way to live with it.