Category: Spiritual

Five Years

For me, this date will always be a day that signifies both the joy and sadness that we all carry with us in our lives all of the time.

Today marks five years since my dad became a victim of suicide.  Five years.  While in some ways it seems like it the blink of an eye, in many other ways there has been so much that has happened.  Personally, I became an aunt, I got engaged, I got married, I had a child, and that is just the big stuff.  Among the family we have celebrated births and graduations, but have also mourned the loss of others.  There have been a lot of ups and a lot of downs, a lot of big events, and a lot of the small events that make up a life.  There has been laughter.  There has been tears.  Life, although forever changed, has went on despite my dad not being with us on Earth.

This is a grief that will never go away.  When it comes to grief, I think “closure” is a dangerous word.  This will stay with me for the rest of my life, although how I feel about losing my dad has changed throughout the years.  While I wished my dad could have been physically here for my wedding and the birth of my child, I know he was there in some way.  I also know he has been and continues to be with us in some spiritual way.  I know my son experiences him as well.  I take a lot of comfort in knowing this.

Today also marks my mother’s birthday.  To have a happy event and a sad event on the same day at first struck me as very unfair, especially to my mother.  But, I have come to see that it truly exemplifies what life is like for all of us.  There is joy in the sadness.  There is beauty in the pain.  There is peace in the struggle.  Despite our loss, we will still celebrate, both my dad’s life and my mother’s birthday.  Today, I plan to listen to music that my dad and I both loved while I am working.  Then, we are going to celebrate my mom’s birthday.  Life does go on, and while we do have sadness to carry around, we also have our joy to carry alongside it.

Shoot

Last week, I shot a gun for the first time.  Two days after I shot for the first time I also took a ladies’ handgun class, and I shot a gun again.  For any of you who knew my dad, this may come as a complete surprise.  My dad was a big outdoorsman – loved to hunt, fish, and shoot guns.  It almost seems unlikely that I would have gone this long before having this type of experience because of him.

Up until my dad died, I just always assumed that it would be him who would be there the first time I shot a gun.  I didn’t know when that day would be, but I knew that when I decided to give it a try he would have been super excited to show me how.  Unfortunately, that day never came, and while I don’t regret it, it has probably been the biggest thing that has still haunted me about my dad’s death.  Sadly enough, a gun was involved in his passing, so that made it all the more traumatic to think about shooting one.

I won’t go into all the details of why this was so hard for me, but I listed some of the general reasons above.  Grief can be a funny thing – there are some things about a person that you can let go of really quickly, and there are some things that take a long time to deal with.  Shooting has definitely been an activity that has been scary and sad and terrifying and many other things since my dad’s passing.  It has been almost five years, and up until now I couldn’t hardly imagine dealing with it.  There are many factors that have led to me giving it a try, but the biggest one was having a child and having someone I wanted to be able to defend if need be.  Never underestimate the power of a mother and how she will do anything to protect her child.

Now that I have taken that first shot, I feel a little lighter.  I found another way to move on without my dad here in the physical world.  I also know that my dad, wherever he is, is proud of me.

Follow-Up

In my last entry, I talked to you about my “setback” – well, there have been a few days of processing as well as a few days of ignoring it, and while I am moving forward, the path with my next steps is not all that clear yet.  Of course, I have shared the details with a few close family and friends, and being the good family and friends that they are, have definitely supported me and my view of what happened.  I probably should share this with an unbiased person who does not know anyone involved, but I am not sure if I want to spend that kind of time on it.  Another interesting thing that I seem to be noticing is that the accusations against my character are not shared with others in similar roles.  While I am trying to be open to accepting my contributions to whatever real or imagined issues there are, it is starting to sound like it is more personal and not about behavior or performance.  In some ways that is a relief, but in other ways that is disappointing.

I have quickly realized that I am standing at a crossroads.  As I write this, so much has happened in the last month, and I have hardly had the time to reflect on it.  But, I sense that this is the time to really stand up and do something that matches what I value.  What is more important?  Being there for my family and friends?  Pleasing everyone I come into contact with every day?  Spending my time worrying about whether everyone likes me?   I feel very confident about those answers, but do my actions truly reflect that?  This is a big deal for me, and I am fortunate enough that I get the chance to think it through.  I don’t want to have a knee jerk reaction, but I also don’t want to miss an opportunity to be more authentic with my life.  I am hoping for some more clarity soon.

Grief

After my previous entry, it probably is no surprise that I would write about grief.  Grief can be so complex and bring with it so many emotions and thoughts.  There is no way I could sum up grief in one blog entry, especially since it can mean something different to everyone.  However, I will give you my brief thoughts on grief.

To me, grief is always with me.  It may take on different meanings and forms, but I am always grieving.  This may sound very sad, but I also feel that I am always feeling some type of happiness too.  They go together – happiness and grief.  It seems weird, but I truly think you carry them both with you at all times.  Of course, this implies that I do not agree with the idea that grief happens in these nice pretty stages – like it is some kind of linear process that results in the end result of “closure”.  “Closure” is a dangerous concept in my book.  While I think that you may experience each of these stages, I think the how and when is different for everybody.  Grief is not the same process for everyone.

Then, in terms of working with grief, I think the most important thing is to meet people where they are in their grief process.  Platitudes are not helpful here.  Neither is trying to make someone find closure or speed up the grieving process towards some unattainable conclusion.  Most of the time just being there is all that is required, and you might be amazed at how much comfort can come from that simple act.

How about you?  How would you define grief?  My hope is that you question what role grief plays in your life, if at all.  Maybe you don’t grieve for anything, and that is your choice.  However, maybe you realize that grief can last forever, but still find a way to live with it.

Abundance

This might be a short post today, which is funny considering that I wanted to touch on the concept of abundance.  However, lately it has been fairly obvious to me that I mostly think of my life from a place of scarcity – not enough time, not enough money, etc.  Is that even really true?  Or, is there any way to prove it?  What if I changed it around and thought that there was enough time, enough money, enough of everything?  Would I make different choices?  Would I spend my time differently?  Would I spend my money differently?

Now of course, I’m not necessarily supporting the idea that “everything will take care of itself” and the world will just give you everything that you need.  If you have ever dealt with mental illness or any other illness in any way I am sure that doesn’t ring true to you.  Life still has to be managed, but what I am talking about here is more of a mental outlook.  Thinking that there will be enough time to get something done.  Thinking that there will be a way to pay for something.  Thinking that the world and people are with you instead of against you.

Would it be better to have hope and then be disappointed, or be disappointed from the beginning?  The answer is up to you.

Without You

As I write this post, we are celebrating an important milestone in my family’s life.  I am not going to go into the details, but for me it is a very big deal and a very beautiful moment in time.  However, I am still at a point in grieving my dad that I can’t have a great moment without thinking about him.  I know he is here with us, but it is not in the way I want.  I wonder if I will ever have any big moments in my life again without having that tinge of sadness.  That feeling of how different and/or better it would be if he was physically here to see it.  That disappointment that a beautiful moment has to involve yet another time of grieving for a loss.

But on the flip side, do I truly want to have these moments without thinking about him?  Even though he is not physically here, does it still make a difference that I acknowledge him on these occasions?

I certainly don’t have the answers here, and what I do come up with may change from day to day.  However, today, it seems that thinking of Dad on big occasions is a good thing.  Because even though I may feel some sadness, every time it seems to get a little easier.  I know he is there, somewhere, but I am not so great at sensing beyond the concrete objects and people around me.  And, while I may not get to a point where there is absolutely no sadness, it is important to me that Dad is included in some way.  Besides, I would rather allow myself to feel and have these thoughts than try to ignore them.  So, here I am, grieving and celebrating at the same time, and actually, doing both simultaneously is probably a bigger part of life than I might think.

Soul Searching

These days, I can be a pretty restless woman.  I am constantly trying to figure out what is best for me and how I can get there.  Whether it is fair to or not, I use my dad’s passing as an excuse.  After his death I am constantly nagging about how life is too short not to do what you enjoy and love.  Of course, that doesn’t always work with paying the bills and enjoying a comfortable lifestyle.  I sometimes get frustrated that I can’t just be happy where I am, and I wonder if I am the only one who feels that way.

Lately, I can’t shake the constant battle cry in my head that I am not living my values.  My life does not truly align with what I find most important in this world.  I am not going to get into specific details at this point, but what I do know is that I am going to start doing some deeper soul searching to figure out what I want.  What is important to me?  What truly are my values?  What changes can I make in my life so that I am more fully living out those values?  These are some big questions that I honestly haven’t looked at for awhile, and luckily I now have the chance to do so.

Depending on where you are and what is happening in your life, maybe you don’t have the time to go through these questions.  However, perhaps you can look at one of them to make you more aware of what is important to you.  The answers to these questions can change over time as well, so it may also be a matter of redefining some values you already have.  Whatever you do, I hope you can make some time to reflect on some of these questions.

Stepping Out

Although it has now been awhile, I took some time off during the middle of one of my work days for a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) event.  The event itself was great, and I actually felt like I had done something important during that time as well.  I am not going to get into the details of the event on this current post, but today I wanted to focus on how good it can be to step out of your regular routine (that is, assuming you have a regular routine).

For some reason, I always feel surprised when this happens, but in hindsight this almost always seems to be the case.  Breaking up your regular routine can be so rewarding.  For me, I think it is easy to feel like I am doing the same things day in and day out.  I have days where I wonder what might pop up and make it different, but I don’t always notice or take the time to determine what is special about each day.  I think stepping out of your regular routine can also change your perspective and open your mind.  Once I’ve done something different from the usual (vacation, take the day off, take a long lunch break, etc.) my world seems bigger and better from the very small focus I had before.  For me, it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own little world – changing things up and stepping outside my regular routine can help remind me that the world has so much more than what my brain will limit me to sometimes.

How about you?  Do you feel like you are doing the exact same things day in and day out?  Is there a way you can change up your routine every now and then or more frequently?  To me, breaking up a routine can be refreshing, and I encourage you to take the opportunity to see if doing so inspires you as well.

Courage

At this point in my life I am a very fortunate woman.  I have so many wonderful things going on, and I have the luxury to look deeper and think about how I can improve.  One area that has really been calling to me lately is how I need to actually live my values.  I think about the things I truly value and then look at how I live my life, and it doesn’t really seem to match up.  I’m not completely beating myself up for it, but I am wondering how I can be in more alignment with the two.  This is where courage comes in.

To really live my life and to really live my values I know I have to change some things that go against the status quo.  Honestly I live a very safe and pretty easy life, and I’m not sure that is ok.  What is a life that plays it safe?  Again, I am not completely upset by it, but I know I could be doing better.  Of course, here I start thinking about how I ultimately would like to see my life, and it is overwhelming.  How could I possibly shake up my life, especially when others are affected by it?  Do I have the courage to even more forward towards this more aligned life?

As scary as it may be, I am guessing I do have some amount of courage in me.  I have the power to move forward, and it doesn’t have to involve making big changes all of the sudden.  If I break it down, what small changes can I make today to get to where I want to be?  Luckily, I have been thinking about this for long enough that I do have some smaller ways that I can start with, and to me that is progress.  What about you?  Do you think you lack the courage to do something important to you?  If so, is there a way to break it down or take smaller steps to build up your courage?

Rain

It is early morning again, and everyone else in the house is still asleep.  It is quiet and peaceful, and my morning just got even better – I can hear it raining on the roof.  Ah, I love the sound of a gentle rain and some rolling thunder in the background – it makes me want to go back to bed because I feel like I can sleep so well when this is happening.  I won’t go back to bed, but my stress level about everything I need to get done today has went down just because I enjoy this experience.  I like to think of it as a type of meditation.

This also has me thinking about common experiences that can be used as a way to relax and find some peace, which can be hard to do in this frantic and fast-paced world.  I can think of others that I really enjoy when I take the time to do so, and they are all free.  Looking at the stars, the sounds of a summer night, the smell of the earth after it rains just a little, the beautiful green of late spring, big puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, lightning bugs in the early summer, and trees with orange leaves in the fall are some examples in my part of the world.  How about where you live?  What things that you sense help you to pause and enjoy the moment?  Can you begin to purposely seek those out?

As you may have noticed, everything I have talked about so far in this post has been about nature, but there are other things that can bring some moments of joy and peace.  For me, that includes hearing a child laugh, laughter in general, and a kind word or compliment from someone.  Again, as far as I know, these are all experiences that don’t have to cost money.  What non-nature things can help you to enjoy the moment?  Again, can you begin to seek those out?  I hope this post gives you some ideas on little ways to create more joy and calm into your life.