Setback

As I write this, yesterday was not a very good day for me.  I am not going to go into all of the details, but there were some serious accusations made against my character, and the way it was presented to me was very hurtful and immature.  I am trying so hard to not act like a victim here, but I find it very hard to listen to “professionals” when they aren’t really living up to their titles.  I am also saddened every time I find myself involved in or hear about a situation in which adults are acting like they are children who don’t know any better.  It just seems like a no win story for everyone.

Luckily, a day has now passed, and I am trying to do the right thing.  Although it still hurts, I am trying to figure out what I can learn from what has happened.  Maybe there is some truth to what was said, and maybe I need to own up to some of it.  But, I truly believe there is some fault at both ends.  Instead of taking it so hard, I am trying to take it as just another part of life.  I can’t make everyone happy.  Not everyone is going to like me.  Does that matter?  In some ways, I probably think it does.  But, ultimately, I truly can’t please everyone, and that is ok.  I also can’t be great at everything either.  All of this is being a human.  If we were perfect, we wouldn’t be human.

I am also trying to figure out what comes next, because sitting around analyzing it is probably not a good long term plan.  Life is way too short to stick around toxic people and situations.  So, instead of just accepting it, I am looking forward.  Even today I have taken steps to move on, and I am almost excited to see how this terrible incident will turn out to ultimately be a good thing.

High Intensity

I have been up for about an hour already this morning.  One of the first things I did was exercise, and today included a “high intensity interval training” workout.  A lot of people have heard of this, which is also known simply as “HIIT”.  Regardless of what you call it, it certainly lived up to its name – my heart was pumping, and it felt like it was high intensity to me.

As I finished the workout, I started thinking about the term “high intensity”, and I started to realize that it seems to describe my life right now.  The last few weeks have been very busy, and if you have read my last few posts, you know this is understandably so.  However, I began to think that this “high intensity” can only last so long.  “High intensity” can be great for short intervals, just like in the exercise workout, but it does not seem all that healthy for sustained periods of time.

Of course, the question becomes, how do I ease into a less intense schedule?  That is what I have challenged myself to think about today.  Of course, I think some of the activity will naturally slow down because the last few weeks have not been typical.  But, this seems like a good time to reflect on my life.  Are there activities I need to say no to?  Are there activities I need to do less of?  What are my priorities and what can be left out if there isn’t enough time?  When and where does down time fit in?  What makes sense for my family?  I am sure I could ask even more questions, but I think this is a good start.

One thing I do know, however, is that I believe everyone needs time for rest.  There has to be time to just “be” and not have to worry about getting something done.  I know my days are better when I find this time, and I hope you can find some too.

Compassion

I have spent several posts talking about different topics related to grief, and I am going to spend at least one more entry on it.

One of the things that I really struggle with when someone important to you dies is how quickly it seems like the rest of the world just moves on.  Here you are, trying to make sense of the death, trying to make sense of the world, trying to make sense of anything, and it seems like everyone around you is living like nothing ever happened.  It makes me worry that others are not taking the time to grieve and mourn like I am.  It can be a very sad way of thinking.

What I have to remember, though, is that everyone grieves differently.  And, everyone grieves for different people or relationships.  After all, how many people do I know that have lost someone, and they probably couldn’t understand why people like me continue to move on with life like nothing ever happened?  That perception can go both ways.

I think the key here is compassion, and what I am talking about is only one small part of compassion.  It includes accepting where you are in your grief process and also understanding that others might be in a different place in their grief.  Looking at the bigger picture, everyone you interact with probably grieves certain things or people, so in some ways, we are really all in the same boat.  I am using this situation as a reminder to be compassionate to everyone, because I do not know what grief they carry with them.  I have to get better at remembering that the feelings I have may be my own, but in general they are feelings that other people have too.  And, that alone can also help in processing grief.

Comfort

In my last entry, I shared some of my thoughts on grief.  In this entry, I want to touch on a tangent of that, which I am calling comfort.  To me, comfort includes things and experiences that make me feel better and/or let me express any emotions I am currently having.  At this point, I am not judging my list of comforts, but here are some that I use: watching comedy or anything funny, listening to music, walking, exercising, sleeping, or eating.  For the most part, this list seems ok to me, but I am trying to work on the comfort eating part, since I feel that emotional eating is probably not healthy for me.

There are probably many more things I could list that bring me comfort, as well as others that help to comfort others.  These can include spending time with others, going to church, getting out in nature, dancing, painting, creating, and the list goes on.  As you can imagine, comfort comes in many forms, but my hope is that everyone finds comfort in activities that are healthy for them.  While it seems obvious as I write it, people can turn to harmful things for comfort, and that can lead to even more issues.

Regardless of what healthy types of comfort you choose, I hope you also make the time for them.  Sometimes it can be a challenge to take the time for yourself and allow yourself any comfort.  Some people also use “busy ness” as a way to avoid taking any time to feel the emotions that they have.  I truly think it is important to find your comforts and use them when needed.  Even the stresses of everyday life make is necessary to find comfort on a regular basis.  What do you do to help bring comfort into your life?

Grief

After my previous entry, it probably is no surprise that I would write about grief.  Grief can be so complex and bring with it so many emotions and thoughts.  There is no way I could sum up grief in one blog entry, especially since it can mean something different to everyone.  However, I will give you my brief thoughts on grief.

To me, grief is always with me.  It may take on different meanings and forms, but I am always grieving.  This may sound very sad, but I also feel that I am always feeling some type of happiness too.  They go together – happiness and grief.  It seems weird, but I truly think you carry them both with you at all times.  Of course, this implies that I do not agree with the idea that grief happens in these nice pretty stages – like it is some kind of linear process that results in the end result of “closure”.  “Closure” is a dangerous concept in my book.  While I think that you may experience each of these stages, I think the how and when is different for everybody.  Grief is not the same process for everyone.

Then, in terms of working with grief, I think the most important thing is to meet people where they are in their grief process.  Platitudes are not helpful here.  Neither is trying to make someone find closure or speed up the grieving process towards some unattainable conclusion.  Most of the time just being there is all that is required, and you might be amazed at how much comfort can come from that simple act.

How about you?  How would you define grief?  My hope is that you question what role grief plays in your life, if at all.  Maybe you don’t grieve for anything, and that is your choice.  However, maybe you realize that grief can last forever, but still find a way to live with it.

Loss

At this point in my blog, I tend to write entries a few weeks ahead of when they are posted.  This morning’s entry will probably not show up online for awhile, but it will be short.  As of the date I wrote this, my mother in law passed away unexpectedly yesterday.  Right now, there are really no words to describe what is going on in my family.  And so, another grieving process begins.

Single Parenting

This week has been very different from what I expected.  Instead of a “typical” week for my family, my husband has been away for other family issues, which I hope do improve.  However, this has left me as a single parent for the week, and I have to say that it has been interesting.

By the very nature of what unfolded I was not prepared for this week, meaning that I did not plan on being the only parent around.  I can parent on my own, but I usually prefer to know about it ahead of time and plan accordingly.  And, there are so many other caveats here – there is only one child, it hasn’t been that many days so far, my child is healthy, and for the most part everything else is going alright.  I also have my mom available to help, which has been instrumental in helping me keep my previous commitments.  I honestly probably have about the most perfect set up for being a single parent.

That being said, I am still dragging!  Having to do almost everything is a lot of work, and again, I don’t feel like I really have that much to do.  So, the whole point I want to make here is much respect for the single parents out there.  I know how you have to do what needs to be done, but wow, it’s a lot.  I don’t know how I would do It long term on my own.  Of course, I would if I had to, but having another parent is looking pretty luxurious right now.  And to think there was a time before I met my husband that I thought I could start a family on my own.  Again, possible I know, but I am so glad I have someone to share it with.  Regardless, I have a newfound respect for single parents and all that they accomplish.

Inspiration

Last weekend I was visiting my old college town.  I am not going to get into the reason why, but it is always an interesting feeling when I go back.  I miss it, yet I am also glad that I still don’t live there, because I know my time there was for college.  I don’t think I could live there again – for some reason it would just feel weird, like I had never grown up and started my post-college life.   Of course, you can “never say never”, but it seems that if I have any say I would not live there again.  But I do like visiting for several reasons, one of which is the inspiration I get from it.

It may seem funny that I would be inspired by a place that I would not plan to live in again, but I actually think that is the reason why I am inspired by it.  If I lived there all of the time, I would not be as inspired, it would just become a part of daily life.  So, it is the being away and visiting that inspires me.  I imagine it probably feels this way in most college towns, but what inspires me about my old college town is how there always seems to be so many new ideas floating around.  It is a place where things are being discovered and researched.  It is a place where innovation is actually being acted upon.  This really is not surprising – I’m sure I just generalized every college town.  But, since this was my town for a period in my life, I remember that feeling of starting a new year or semester.  The promise of learning new insights and advancing my knowledge.  I loved the sense of possibility and potential, and that is what still inspires me today.  Of course, I get inspiration from other people, places, and things, but this is something that has stood out because of my recent visit.

How about you?  What places inspire you?  What people or things?  Inspiration can be a wonderful thing in helping to see the potential and possibility in your life.

News

Do you keep up on current events?  Do you watch “the news”?  I have to say a lot of times I am oblivious to what may be going on in the world, but I feel like I have some good reasons for it.

Sadly, it seems like the news is mostly negative.  It is all about what is not going well and what is wrong.  It includes tragedy and violence and controversy.  And, while I realize there might be a time and place for hearing about these events, I don’t think it should take up a lot of the news.  A lot of this can be upsetting and can make people feel helpless.  Can’t the news inform and empower people?  That probably does happen, but I don’t see it very much.  Until I start noticing a change in the tone of most of the news I will probably keep avoiding it.

Next, I don’t necessarily have a lot of extra time to watch and/or consume the news.  I am living my life – working, parenting, volunteering, and enjoying time with friends and family.  Most of the time I don’t feel like there is room for the news in my life.

Now, I admit there are some reasons why keeping up on current events can be a good thing.  However, for me, the cons outweigh the pros most of the time here.  I know I risk not being informed about a major event, but if it is important enough I will likely hear it from someone I interact with anyway.

How about you?  What are your thoughts on the news?  Do you find it empowering or upsetting or something in between?  Do you feel it is worth your time, or do you want to change how you interact with the news?  I hope you take some time to think about what role the news plays in your life, and if it is a role you want to change.

Roll With It

This last weekend was very busy for me – it included some events as well as visiting some friends and family.  I am a little tired from it, but it wasn’t that bad, and I think I know why.  It was a weekend where I actually just “rolled with it” and didn’t spend time thinking about what else needed to be done.  Instead of thinking about where I thought we should be and when that should happen, I just let it go.  I just lived.  Instead of doing I was being.  What a great way to lose some of the tension and expectation.  What a great way to enjoy a weekend!

What made this weekend less stressful for me?  I think a couple of things helped.  First, a regular meditation practice continues to help me focus on the present instead of thinking about all of the things that need to be done.  This is definitely still a work in progress, but I notice little improvements here and there, this past weekend being one of them.  Focusing on the present helps you to worry less about the future.  It also can help you to spend less time dwelling on the past.  The second thing that I think helped was getting some exercise early on in the weekend.  My family walked a 5K last Saturday morning, and I think that was a great start to our weekend.  We got some exercise, we got some fresh air, and we got to spend time together as a family.  Lastly, I think spending some time outside was helpful as well.  Nature has some wonderful ways of settling your emotions and giving you things to focus on in the present.

After looking back on this weekend I am thinking we might be on to something – a family walk on Saturday mornings, if possible.  And, based on the goals I have, that may turn into a family jog.  Regardless, I am excited that I may have stumbled upon something that is beneficial to both my family and me.