As I write this post, we are celebrating an important milestone in my family’s life. I am not going to go into the details, but for me it is a very big deal and a very beautiful moment in time. However, I am still at a point in grieving my dad that I can’t have a great moment without thinking about him. I know he is here with us, but it is not in the way I want. I wonder if I will ever have any big moments in my life again without having that tinge of sadness. That feeling of how different and/or better it would be if he was physically here to see it. That disappointment that a beautiful moment has to involve yet another time of grieving for a loss.
But on the flip side, do I truly want to have these moments without thinking about him? Even though he is not physically here, does it still make a difference that I acknowledge him on these occasions?
I certainly don’t have the answers here, and what I do come up with may change from day to day. However, today, it seems that thinking of Dad on big occasions is a good thing. Because even though I may feel some sadness, every time it seems to get a little easier. I know he is there, somewhere, but I am not so great at sensing beyond the concrete objects and people around me. And, while I may not get to a point where there is absolutely no sadness, it is important to me that Dad is included in some way. Besides, I would rather allow myself to feel and have these thoughts than try to ignore them. So, here I am, grieving and celebrating at the same time, and actually, doing both simultaneously is probably a bigger part of life than I might think.